Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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