Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
