Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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