On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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