Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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