Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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