Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
