I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
