I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize