why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
