i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
