Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I got inside last night via doggy door
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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