you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize