this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Randomize
