just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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