She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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