you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Randomize
