she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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