Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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