he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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