I like my sex mixed with concussions.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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