just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
