Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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