walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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