How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
