I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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