if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize