I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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