Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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