hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
