I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
