Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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