I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
