it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
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