You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
