you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
