One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
