I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
