My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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