Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
