This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
