I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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