When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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