You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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