i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
