we have pet lesbian snakes
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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