Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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