Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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