today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
