I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
