The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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