I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
