3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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