my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
