i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
