my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
