hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize