I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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