I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
