omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
