My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize